Trolling The Internet

Troll:  someone who posts inflammatory,^[2] extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response^[3] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.^[4] The noun troll may refer to the provocative message itself, as in: "That was an excellent troll you posted".


I recently encountered one of these fun people. I have to admit, I am immaturely entertained, and get a huge kick out of these assholes. When I encounter a troll, I somehow wind up becoming the troller. In fact, 9 times out of 10, I end up trolling them back so bad that they end up quitting. :) 
I am good at this. I should get paid to be an Internet troll. Ha!


This particular troll that I encountered the other day, had a friend of mine upset. He was posting rude, racial comments about the financial status of one of her relatives that was in the newspaper. My friend is more mature than me. Although she was highly offended, she didn't want to comment further, so I layed into his ass! I will admit though, that sometimes I can take things too far. This might get me killed one day, lol. 


While I was arguing with him, I took note of his Facebook profile.After reading his wall, I learned a lot about him.It turns out that this guy works a shit job for the cable company, making shit money,and even had to train his own boss! Because of this, he had anger issues towards those who receive any type of government benefits. When I say anger issues, I mean...he is likely to randomly beat up people in stores who use EBT Cards. Seriously. Also, from the conversations on his wall, apparently, he don't have many friends, he hates his sister. I mean, this guy totally is miserable at life. 
Furthermore, he had a bunch of posts of Marilyn Manson videos, and pictures of Charles Manson. Yeah..Creepy.


So I left the guy alone. I mean, I don't need some 400lb, Star Trek Convention attending, living in his mother's basement at 40, eating Poptarts, trolling the Internet all day, Creeper, finding out where I live and climbing in my window in the middle of the night looking to lose his virginity in a violent way. LOL.

Discouraged

Today I feel discouraged with my life. I am bothered by the fact that I have spent many years educating myself, only to be tapped out and in debt from student loans because, when I was young, made the wrong decisions regarding my education. Now, I am unable to further my education financially. Yet, the degree I have obtained is not high enough for people hiring in my area. I hate that I have to look for employment that is extremely far away from home, or relocate altogether. I also don't feel that the quality of education that I have received meets the expectations of employers. I am educated, but not educated enough. This means that for 90% of the jobs I apply for, I am either under-qualified or over-qualified. I also feel that these days, in order to get a job, even a low paying one, it is not about WHAT you know, it is WHO you know. In fact, now that I look back at my job history, about 90% of the jobs I had, I was hired because someone got me in there. Now, as far as my career goes, I am stuck in a rut.
At home, I am discouraged as well. I don't like being the one who is always in charge of everything. It would be nice, for a change, for someone else to worry about how a bill is going to get paid, if the house is going to get cleaned (correctly), and what needs tended to. Being a single parent SUCKS. Especially when your children are teenagers/grown, and they are spoiled/damaged to the point where they feel that they should take no responsibility for their actions. I clean up one room, and move onto the next, only to find that the room I just cleaned is a mess again. They constantly take, but they only give when it is beneficial to them. Discipline is no longer an option. That was ruled out when I was arrested for putting my foot down in my house. Thanks to the Police, my children now feel that it is okay to walk all over me, and if I put up a fight, I am displaying "Anger Management" issues and should go to jail.
I have been socially discouraged for years. After putting up with people for so long, eventually, you develop this attitude where you no longer want to be bothered by anyone...even GOOD people. Somewhere along the way, I lost faith in good relationships, true friendships, and ethical people. I feel that people only deal with others in order to accomplish their own desires. Once they get what they are looking for, they disappear. This may not be true, but in my troubled mind, it is how it feels. People don't want to commit to anything long-term anymore. Society is a mess. I have grown to be content with being single. Even if I wanted a man, how can I tell who is real and who is fake? How do I know I am not going to end up getting hurt? Am I supposed to just let my guard down and take yet ANOTHER chance? Hell no! For what? I don't want to weed through the sociopaths in order to find just one decent individual whom I have something in common with.
That's another thing. Not only is everyone else messed up, but I am damaged too. Over the past couple of years I have grown terribly reclusive. I used to enjoy going out, spending time with friends, dating, even talking on the phone. Now, all of these things only seem like another job to me. This saddens me. I don't want to be this way. I feel like I am weird. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want any visitors, I just want to be left alone. This can't be normal. Can it?
If not, how do I go about making a change? One might suggest moving away...far away. Well, that is easier said then done. My family and friends are here. My kid's family and friends are here. I am afraid to drive on the highway even! How does a single person, with children, no savings, and a shitty car, who has been sheltered from the rest of the world her entire life get the strength to just up and go? It would be easier if I were married and had someone to go with. Then, if I fall into difficulty, there will be someone there to struggle with. I guess these are just excuses. Perhaps laziness. Maybe depression...well, definitely depression. I don't know. Perhaps I was destined to be this way.
All I know is that I am in a deep hole that I cannot climb out of. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to climb out of it? Even misery can be a comfort zone. Who knows...

Shoes

In my 35 years of life, I have walked in many pairs of shoes.

A child’s shoes: 

 I was young, and needed guidance. I didn’t know the right thing to do and trusted that other people in my life were leading me in the right direction. In the child’s shoes, I would walk to a hot fire and put my hand in it, get burned, cry, then go put my hand right back into the fire because I didn’t know any better. 

I would follow someone who seemed to care, even if they were dangerous, because my tiny brain didn’t know that they were harmful to me. I didn’t concern myself with the reality of a situation, because my child shoes led me to play, and I still needed to learn.

Children grow quickly, and I had a growth spurt and grew out of those shoes.

Adolescent/Teenager shoes:

These shoes were fun to walk in. They were cool and flashy. You could see me coming a mile away in them because they were stylish. I might have worn these shoes many times without socks, and left them untied many times, because it didn’t matter to me.Since I didn't pay for them, I took no responsibility for my actions with them. All that mattered to me was where these shoes took me when I put them on. I used these shoes to attract other people who were just as flashy, and just like any teenager, I fell in love with “flashy.”  The brightness of being in love with “Flashy” caused me to do many foolish things. Important things like education, stability, and my future, meant nothing to me, because as long as I had my cool shoes on, life was good. Little did I know that this ”Flashy” life would lead me to lifetime decisions, such as raising children by myself, and having to grow up too early. So I was forced into my young adult shoes.

Young Adult Shoes:

These shoes were still stylish, but because I was now a single mother, I had to also buy 3 pairs of children’s shoes, so my shoes weren’t as cool as I would have liked to afford. However, I was still cool nonetheless. They were still flashy enough to find a new man after my kid’s father left. They were sensible enough to get me to college, and become independent. Yet still, they were popular enough to cause my mind to cloud and make wrong decisions if I wasn’t careful. These shoes were dangerous because they had it all. I could wear these shoes to work, school, to play with the kids, and to a date. Nobody could convince me that I was wrong in these shoes! I was invincible. These shoes made me feel like I didn’t need anyone. I took others for granted. If people liked my shoes, good. If not, too bad, I would walk all over them. Unfortunately, because of this attitude and the fact that I was still young, these shoes became worn out because I also allowed others to step on them as well. Young adult shoes have the potential to be smart and comfortable, but they aren’t professional or sensible enough to make grown up choices. Being in these shoes caused me a lot of heartache, and I took a lot of things for granted. These shoes had no “sole” or height, so I was not tall enough to see what mattered....and I had no sole [soul].

Funeral Shoes:

Dull, Dark, and miserable. The most uncomfortable shoes I have ever had to wear. I had to force my tiny foot into these shoes, that didn’t fit correctly, and wear them with a heavy heart. I barely remember the details of my life while I was in these shoes because they were facing loss and death. My tears dripped down my face and left little white stains on my funeral shoes as I realized that I was suffering a loss that I was not prepared for. One of the shoes fell off my foot, exposing my bare foot because I lost my other half, and was being stripped of everything I knew to be stable in my life. These shoes led me to lose my mind, my rationality, and succumb to numbness and solitude. I wore what was left of these dark shoes and stumbled to the store to buy some high heels.

High Heel Shoes:

These shoes were the mature, sexy, and confident shoes that elevated me from the ground and somewhat distracted me from my funeral shoes that still lie in my closet and haunt me. They had inches on the heels, so I had to learn to walk in them. It was painful at first, but once I learned, they gave me a killer strut! They made me feel confident as I put them on and graduated college. They brought a lot of attention in my direction, which, unfortunately caused me to make a few more bad decisions because when I wore those High-Heels, I felt like I was “above” everyone. I was driven to accomplish goals, but at the same time, my arrogance caused jealousy and loss of friends. Have you ever walked into a room wearing high heels while everyone else is wearing regular shoes? You are either given extra attention, or you become the topic of gossip.People see you as being a "hoe" or a "Bitch".Other women get angry as the man sitting next to them stare at you. Have you ever driven a car in High heels? You can’t help but to have a lead foot and speed. The police pull you over and give you a ticket, throwing dirt on your record, that is probably deserved. A woman in High Heels can use that attention to her advantage and relish in the fact that all eyes are on her, but she forgets that at the end of the night, when the shoes come off, her feet will be killing her, and she also turns back into the regular person that she sees in the mirror every day, flawed, short, and without makeup.

My Adidas:

My running shoes. I wear these now. They have “Old school style” with a pretty simple concept. They are comfortable and practical. They have a “sole” [soul] and can be worn anywhere without judgement. They match with any outfit. They are not too flashy, They don’t cause extra attention. Best of all, when I am faced with a situation that is not good for me, I can run without stumbling. Unlike my High Heels, when I am in my Adidas, I can be comfortable with my decisions. I don’t act too quickly, I can take my time with my choices. I can also help others without needing to run home and change shoes.

The moral of the story is this:

I have been in all kinds of shoes. The children’s shoes became too small, the Teenager shoes were immature, When I wore the adolescent shoes, I allowed people to manipulate me and I made stupid choices. The funeral shoes were at a low point and for some reason, I can’t throw them away. They remain in my closet [My heart] and refuse to let me move forward sometimes. The High Heels elevated me to accomplish my goals and also allowed me to see things about people and life that I was unable to see when I was wearing all of the other shoes, but the high-heels were painful shoes to wear, no matter how good I seemed to look wearing them. Now that I am wearing my running shoes, I can see all of this coming in my own life and the lives of my loved ones. I am at the point in my life where I need to be. I am wearing the correct shoes for my situation. I am smarter and stronger and more capable than ever before. I am inspired to be better, and to warn others about the other shoes that they are in because I have already worn them and know what will happen.

So as the saying goes…Don’t Judge Others Until You Walk A Mile In Their Shoes.

As for me, I feel like it is time for me to put my Adidas in the closet and buy some Church Shoes!

Intro to me...

I used to blog...A LOT! Over the years I stopped. I decided to start writing again because sometimes I just need to vent. Besides, some of the things that occur in my busy, weird life as a single mother would be just a shame if I didn't share.
I hope that my experiences inspire and motivate you, and give you a good laugh from time to time. That's what they are for. Enjoy and please feel free to subscribe!