Sometimes It is UNselfish to Be Selfish

    The past few years of my life have been nothing short of pure hell. I have had this cloud of depression over my head for a long time, and I felt as if I had hit rock bottom in life. I have been through several failed relationships, death of loved ones, Bad luck with money and jobs, out of control children, loss of friendships, ect. However, the past couple have days, I realized that these experiences have allowed me to be blessed with certain strengths and abilities that most people lack. 

    More and more, I see people putting their own well being above their children, family, friends, ect. The concept of a committed relationship, for the most part has been pretty much phased out and people are opting to remain single. I’m not saying that being single is a bad thing, but if you enjoy living the single life, you should just be honest about it and not lead others into believing that you are committed to only them. Don’t lead people on with your cheating and lies. It’s really not that hard of a concept. 

    I choose to remain single right now. I have very good reasons for this. First of all, I have been through a ton of CRAP over the years with men cheating, lying, and hurting me. In the past, I fell into what I call the “Dumb Girl” trap. This is where you meet a man, and fall in love with him. However, he doesn’t love you back, at least not as much as you love him. So, in an effort to try to change him, you bend over backwards trying to prove to him that you are the perfect one for him. You spend your time, energy, and money, chasing him around, fulfilling his needs, and making him happy…and while you are doing this, all he wants to do is hang out with his friends, mess with other women, stick you with the bills, kids, work, stress, while he enjoys his life. You fight with other females over him. You deal break up with him one day only to take him back a few days later. You continue to put up with his bullshit and make excuses as to why you NEED him around. (IE: My kids need to see their father, or, I can’t do this on my own.) Then, several YEARS later, when you have given him basically everything you could except for your soul itself, he runs off with someone else and leaves you stuck with the kids, no money, no social life, no dignity, and a broken heart. 

    I have decided a long time ago that I REFUSE to be the dumb girl. Admittedly, if my fiancé hadn’t have passed away 3 years ago, I would probably still be going through the ups and downs with him because I had put up with the above behavior with him for over 11 years and the only reason why I quit is because he is no longer on this earth. Yet, the fact that I am still grieving his death proves to me that I would have never let him go. I probably would have remained his “Dumb Girl” for life, because I loved him. It’s hard to let go of someone you love…no matter HOW badly they treat you. 

    Anyway, when he passed away, I said “I will NEVER be THAT girl again.” I would rather die as an old lonely woman than to one day look back at my life and realize that I wasted the only years God has given me in misery trying to make people love me. This was a hard promise to keep to myself. I went through many “lonely” phases where I did a lot of things that I was not proud of. However, I have finally reached a level of maturity in my life that most people will NEVER reach. I can HONESTLY say that I enjoy being single. I can look at someone I choose to deal with and stick to my standards. If a man doesn’t respect me, I can now easily walk away from that situation and not look back. I no longer waste time and energy trying to make people love me. If they do, I deal with them. If they don’t, I walk away.

I no longer fight with other women over a man. If another woman is involved, she can have him. I don’t need him. I no longer sit here and promise my friends that I am done with someone once and for all, and watch them shake their heads in disappointment at me when I run back to them a million times. I am not THAT girl anymore. 

    Another reason why I choose to be single is because I am flawed. I KNOW that I am flawed. 90% of the time, I hate myself, so how in the world can I possibly love someone else? Between the kids, grandbaby, looking for work, taking care of the house by myself,  dealing with my family, and trying to find some time to spend with the kids, friends, and myself…It would be completely unfair of me to try to devote myself to a man right now, and I am just being completely honest here. This is an error most people make. They chase love around, but they don’t have their lives ready to commit to it! I know single mothers who will call me and tell me all about what their man has been doing, all pissed off and crying, and at the same time, their kids are in the background crying for their mother’s attention but she is too busy worried about some man to give them the attention they need. 

    Do I hurt people’s feelings sometimes? Yes. However, if I am not ready to be in a relationship, I am not going to fake it. That only makes both people miserable. I would rather just be real about how I feel at the time. If they choose to wait on me, that is up to them, but I don’t lead people on. There are men that I actually have feelings for, but I know in my heart that I am not at a place in my life where a relationship is beneficial, so I don’t act on those feelings. 

    Also, these women will allow a man to be “daddy” to the kids this week, and next week he is moving out…just to move back in a week later. This affects the children too. First of all, no kid wants to see their parents fighting and unhappy all of the time. No kid wants to have to get to know and grow attachments to a new man every time mommy gets a boyfriend, just to have him leave a couple of months later. It’s hard on children who don’t understand. Little girls grow up to think it is okay to have a man treat them like shit, or they have issues finding love of their own because they never had that love from their father. Little boys grow up to believe that they can treat a woman badly and she is supposed to stay around. They grow to not respect women, they think that they are weak and they manipulate them because they were raised in that same environment. 

The worst part about this is…they never blame the absent parent…they always blame the one who put them through all of the drama their whole life. 

This is why I am single. 

    In fact, I have extended these thoughts to reach not only my relationships, but with everyone I choose to spend my time with. If ANYONE cannot respect me and love me the way I feel I deserve to be respected and loved, they are cut out of my life. This goes for men, family, friends, even my children.

This might sound selfish, but actually, I would be being more selfish if I allowed people to run me down. I can’t be the best woman, mother, friend, daughter, etc. That I can be if I am wasting my time and energy on things that make me miserable. Also, sometimes you have to cut people off so that they can find their own way in life.  If you constantly give and give and give to someone, how will they learn to get it on their own if you aren’t around? 

This is why I think Being selfish can sometimes be the most Unselfish thing that you can do.

If you have to keep questioning the loyalty of anyone else, let them go. Life is too short. If they really do love you, then they will get their stuff together and come back for you. However, if they have no consequences to their actions, why should they respect you? Why would anyone do the right thing if they know that they can do the wrong thing and not lose anything? What if our jail system was like that? What if bank robbers, rapists, and murderers could do all of these things and go to jail, then kiss the Judge’s ass for a day or two and promise to be good from now on, then be set free to do it all over again?  They would never become better people, they would only become worse. 

We need to have this same attitude with EVERYONE we deal with in life. Rewarding someone’s disrespectful behavior and allowing them to walk all over you isn’t helping anyone. It makes you miserable, THEY never learn a lesson, and on top of that, everyone else surrounding you suffers indirectly.

The moral of this post is to BE SELFISH for once.

My Door is NOW Closed.

    My 18 year old has successfully pushed me to the edge to where I actually told you “You are no longer my Daughter.”

Yes..It got that bad.

It began with an argument about her neglecting some care that should have been given to her baby. This time is wasn’t just me telling her about herself. This time, my 16 year old son, my 14 year old daughter, and my mother got involved.

She decided to get on Facebook and post a rude status about me, like she normally does, and THIS time, she didn’t get likes and praise. This time, someone finally told her that if she would grow up and take care of her kid and stop disrespecting her mother, there wouldn’t be a problem. Long story short…she didn’t like that. At all. She also got upset with ME for not defending her. Why would I? Her shitty post was directed at me, so why would I defend someone who is trying to have my back for a change?

So my daughter started quietly getting the baby dressed and leaving, to some place I had no idea about. She kept it a secret, but the Scorpio in me can smell when something foul is going on.

I found out she was taking the baby to see the baby’s other side of the family.

What’s wrong with that, you ask? Ohh…only that every member of the entire house, including the children there either do drugs, sell drugs, drink alcohol, fistfight, you name it…they do it. I don’t mean little things either. This is a flat out crack house! These people, just a few months ago, were trying to beat my daughter up, and saying that the baby isn’t their family. My grandbaby is almost a year old and they have seen her maybe 3 times.

SO…out of pure spite, my daughter runs to them, tells them all of my personal business, cries about how “horrible” I am to her. Lies and says I take all of her money. (Even though the entire year I have babysat 5 days a week for free, bought diapers and food, and transported her back and forth to work.)

When I yelled at my daughter for taking my grandbaby to this horrible house, what does she do? She CALLS them on the phone and tells them to come over! Now I have 2 fat, weave-headed, ghetto chicks in my driveway, yelling at me in my face, broadcasting all of my personal business that my daughter shared with them. They threatened me and said “This is MY grandbaby now, She’s not yours anymore.”

A 37 year old woman called my 14-year old a “dirty whore.” The only thing keeping me from snatching this chick up by her raggedy weave and smashing her face into the windshield of my car is that I wasn’t about to spend my weekend in jail.

SO…finally, my son calmed everything down and got the bitches to leave my property. Then my daughter goes in the house as if I am going to just forget all about the fact that she called the crackhead clan to come jump me. She thought she was going to get in her cozy bed in my house and sleep. WRONG!

I called the police and had her removed from my house. And they left my grandbaby with me…but only for the night. I had to give her back the next day. 

As if that weren't a slap in the face enough...I read a whole bunch of statements on Twitter about how "immature" I am and how much of a "Drama Queen" I am . Which, I don't understand how I am the drama queen when SHE is the one calling crackheads over here to fight with her OWN MOTHER!

This draws the line for me. I went to jail for her in January. She learned nothing. Then she beat up her sister a month ago and SHE went to jail...She STILL learned nothing. Now she is calling people up to jump her own mother, who has been the ONLY one that has been there for her 100%.  It's time to get the fuck out of my house!

Now she, (and unfortunately my grandbaby, ) are now living in the crackhouse. She called my mom and sent her here to get the baby's bed, highchair, and HER stereo. I gave her the Baby's bed and highchair but NOT the stereo. She didn't pay for it! Plus, she stole my MP3 Player. AND had been being a little ingrate for months. So the stereo stayed here. She called me and said "You better give me my stereo." Oh really? I better, huh? Okay...

I took her stereo and threw it out on my front porch, and it was raining outside. Then I told her "It's on the porch, you better hurry, it's getting wet!" 

That is how I left it laying there too. If you want to disrespect me, I will disrespect you right back!  She then said "Forget it. I will buy a new one. I am not coming to get it. I am not your bitch!" I said Fine...and took it back in the house and gave the stereo to my other daughter. 

When she can start being nice to me, I will be nice to her...but even then, Mi Casa is no longer her casa! 

She apparently chooses to learn the hard way. 

What a shame.

I am an "Enabler"

That is what more than a few people have said to me. It pissed me off when they said it, but I guess that is why they say that the truth hurts. When it is all said and done, it is what it is...even if it IS my children, I am an enabler.

Why? I don't know. Perhaps I felt the need to overcompensate for the fact that my children's father only deals with them whenever he feels like it, and that the man that DID actually play a part in helping me raise them died a couple of years ago. Then again, I suppose these could just be excuses. I mean, lots of women have raised respectful children without a man. Somewhere along the lines, I fucked up. Maybe I should have been beating their ass instead of sending them to their rooms. Maybe I shouldnt have made sure they had a good Christmas every year, and that they had nice clothes and shoes to wear to school. Maybe I shouldnt have been so worried about them hating me everytime I punished them.

Either way, I am paying for it deeply now. My kids are now spoiled, rotten, ungrateful teenagers (one is an adult with a child of her own), and oh yeah...they hate me. They don't hate their father for walking out on them. They hate ME. They don't do chores, they don't even try to pick up after themselves. The only time they are even nice to me is when they want something...and God forbid I say "No" because then I am the world's worst mother. If I discipline them, the entire house breaks out into such chaos that the police end up coming. Seriously...when did they start arresting mothers for domestic violence for bending back their disrespectful,smart ass, 18 year old daughter's fingers and taking away her phone that MOM pays the bill on!?!?
Now...my daughter is almost 19, has a child of her own, and manages to work 20 hours a week. This is where I am the "Enabler".
I drive her back and forth to work everyday. I babysit for her. I take her to all of her appointments. and all I ask for is 25.00 a week for gas...and she whines to everyone that I take all of her money. She doesn't do anything for herself. She spends her paycheck on stupid stuff then complains she has no car and can't find an apartment because I won't "help" her...how much "HELP" do I have to give???
"Just kick her out and make her do everything on her own!" is what everyone says to me...

I tried to throw her out, but thanks to the good old city and their domestic lawmakers, I am not allowed to kick her out of my house unless I go file a legal eviction with the sheriff (Which costs about $200.00 to do.)
And thanks to the Good old police department, my kids now believe that they can do whatever the fuck they please in my house and if I lay a hand on them, I will go right back to jail...as per the court order that was filed. 

So she gets to keep on being a little selfish ingrate, and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. Also, since she picks up her phone to play on Twitter more than she picks up her baby...even if she DOES move out, I will be worried sick that my grandchild isn't being taken care of. If it weren't  for that baby, she would have been out on her ass a long time ago.

Everyone around me is convinced I have gone Batshit Insane. (and I think that they are right)

"Batshit Insane" doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. I have gone completely nuts. Living a life as I do will do that to someone. When you have a grown child who has a child of her own, 2 more teenage children, and a Pit Bull who is allergic to EVERYTHING, and along with that, add on that my only grandmother that I have left has been on her deathbed for 2 weeks now, and some other personal unmentionable circumstances, and your friends totally ignore you unless THEY need to talk...yeah...I am totally Batshit Insane.

Lately, the things that normally would stress me out have been just making me laugh. The grown child, who works 5 days a week, depends on me to babysit for her and drive her back and forth to this job. She doesn't use her paycheck to buy anything for the baby or to save up for her own apartment and car. No...She spends her money getting her belly button pierced, researching tattoos online, buying new phones and gadgets, and let's not forget supporting her weed habit.
I just recently insisted she start paying me for my services. All hell broke loose. I don't think that it would kill her to pay me a measly 25.00 a week for me to babysit 20 hours a week, and be her taxi. After all, she could ride the bus at 2.80 a trip...but because of this, according to her, she cannot save any money because she has to give ALL of her money to me. Seriously...she makes about 300 bi-weekly. -_-

Anyhow, in addition to all of this, I don't get a thank you. I get treated like shit, and everytime she doesn't get her way, She logs onto her twitter account and posts about 20 tweets to tell the world all about how much of a bitch her mother is. Nice.

Don't get me started about the other two teenage kids...I will save that for another day.

So anyway, The other day, she decided she needed a break from the baby. She paid one of her friends to babysit, $20.00 for one evening. (almost the amount I ask for an entire week of sitting!) Then she asks me if I would take her across town and drop her off at her boyfriend's house. I don't even have enough gas to go visit my sick grandma in the hospital so I said No.
This erupted into a huge argument where she tells me that the reason why she has not gotten an apartment, childcare, or done anything to better herself is because I DON'T HELP HER. I wont drive her anywhere! Really? I drive her to work, the baby's doctor appointments, WIC, everywhere....but because I wont take her to her boyfriend's house, I don't help enough...so it's all my fault that she is not where she needs to be in life.
Then she goes back to twitter and says "She don't do anything for me." and said something along the lines of how she is going to leave and I will never see her again because she is going to start acting like her dad.

Good luck with that! In fact, why don't you call your Dad...who does ZERO for you?


I just ignored her. I left and went grocery shopping, and came home to a very friendly Grown child. This version of my grown child actually put her phone down long enough to clean up the house, and even give her baby a bath and get her dressed. She then starts a conversation with me, as if none of the earlier argument ever happened. I ignored her all day. I recognize an official "Ass kissing session to get your way" when I see one.
Later that evening, she ended up walking about 4 miles clear across town to go see her boyfriend.

Yes...She will walk to go see her boyfriend, but she will not walk 2 blocks up the street to look at an apartment, or a mile and a half up the street to go to work. This is my grown child. 


Fast forward to today.

Grown Child: My friend is going to take me to look for apartments.
ME: That's great.
Grown Child: SO....can I leave the baby with you?
ME: No. I have things to do, and I will have the baby every other day this week while you work.
Also...I didn't forget about all of the mean things you said to me the other day. I am not doing anything extra for you from now on until you learn to respect me.

Grown Child: Gets on Twitter and starts calling me names again.


I ignored her and left....
I came home to her filling out an application for public housing...all by herself!

The funny part about all of this....is if she wouldn't have disrespected me with her shitty attitude, she probably would have gotten that ride to her boyfriend's house the other night.