The past few years of my life have been nothing short of
pure hell. I have had this cloud of depression over my head for a long time,
and I felt as if I had hit rock bottom in life. I have been through several
failed relationships, death of loved ones, Bad luck with money and jobs, out of
control children, loss of friendships, ect. However, the past couple have days,
I realized that these experiences have allowed me to be blessed with certain
strengths and abilities that most people lack.
More and more, I see people putting their own well being
above their children, family, friends, ect. The concept of a committed relationship,
for the most part has been pretty much phased out and people are opting to
remain single. I’m not saying that being single is a bad thing, but if you
enjoy living the single life, you should just be honest about it and not lead
others into believing that you are committed to only them. Don’t lead people on
with your cheating and lies. It’s really not that hard of a concept.
I choose to remain single right now. I have very good
reasons for this. First of all, I have been through a ton of CRAP over the
years with men cheating, lying, and hurting me. In the past, I fell into what I
call the “Dumb Girl” trap. This is where you meet a man, and fall in love with
him. However, he doesn’t love you back, at least not as much as you love him.
So, in an effort to try to change him, you bend over backwards trying to prove
to him that you are the perfect one for him. You spend your time, energy, and
money, chasing him around, fulfilling his needs, and making him happy…and while
you are doing this, all he wants to do is hang out with his friends, mess with
other women, stick you with the bills, kids, work, stress, while he enjoys his
life. You fight with other females over him. You deal break up with him one day
only to take him back a few days later. You continue to put up with his
bullshit and make excuses as to why you NEED him around. (IE: My kids need to
see their father, or, I can’t do this on my own.) Then, several YEARS later,
when you have given him basically everything you could except for your soul
itself, he runs off with someone else and leaves you stuck with the kids, no
money, no social life, no dignity, and a broken heart.
I have decided a long time ago that I REFUSE to be the dumb
girl. Admittedly, if my fiancé hadn’t have passed away 3 years ago, I would
probably still be going through the ups and downs with him because I had put up
with the above behavior with him for over 11 years and the only reason why I
quit is because he is no longer on this earth. Yet, the fact that I am still
grieving his death proves to me that I would have never let him go. I probably
would have remained his “Dumb Girl” for life, because I loved him. It’s hard to
let go of someone you love…no matter HOW badly they treat you.
Anyway, when he passed away, I said “I will NEVER be THAT
girl again.” I would rather die as an old lonely woman than to one day look
back at my life and realize that I wasted the only years God has given me in
misery trying to make people love me. This was a hard promise to keep to
myself. I went through many “lonely” phases where I did a lot of things that I
was not proud of. However, I have finally reached a level of maturity in my
life that most people will NEVER reach. I can HONESTLY say that I enjoy being
single. I can look at someone I choose to deal with and stick to my standards.
If a man doesn’t respect me, I can now easily walk away from that situation and
not look back. I no longer waste time and energy trying to make people love me.
If they do, I deal with them. If they don’t, I walk away.
I no longer fight with other women over a man. If another
woman is involved, she can have him. I don’t need him. I no longer sit here and
promise my friends that I am done with someone once and for all, and watch them
shake their heads in disappointment at me when I run back to them a million
times. I am not THAT girl anymore.
Another reason why I choose to be single is because I am
flawed. I KNOW that I am flawed. 90% of the time, I hate myself, so how in the
world can I possibly love someone else? Between the kids, grandbaby, looking
for work, taking care of the house by myself, dealing with my family, and trying to find
some time to spend with the kids, friends, and myself…It would be completely
unfair of me to try to devote myself to a man right now, and I am just being
completely honest here. This is an error most people make. They chase love
around, but they don’t have their lives ready to commit to it! I know single
mothers who will call me and tell me all about what their man has been doing,
all pissed off and crying, and at the same time, their kids are in the
background crying for their mother’s attention but she is too busy worried
about some man to give them the attention they need.
Do I hurt people’s feelings sometimes? Yes. However, if I am
not ready to be in a relationship, I am not going to fake it. That only makes
both people miserable. I would rather just be real about how I feel at the
time. If they choose to wait on me, that is up to them, but I don’t lead people
on. There are men that I actually have feelings for, but I know in my heart
that I am not at a place in my life where a relationship is beneficial, so I
don’t act on those feelings.
Also, these women will allow a man to be “daddy” to the kids
this week, and next week he is moving out…just to move back in a week later. This
affects the children too. First of all, no kid wants to see their parents
fighting and unhappy all of the time. No kid wants to have to get to know and
grow attachments to a new man every time mommy gets a boyfriend, just to have
him leave a couple of months later. It’s hard on children who don’t understand.
Little girls grow up to think it is okay to have a man treat them like shit, or
they have issues finding love of their own because they never had that love
from their father. Little boys grow up to believe that they can treat a woman
badly and she is supposed to stay around. They grow to not respect women, they
think that they are weak and they manipulate them because they were raised in
that same environment.
The worst part about
this is…they never blame the absent parent…they always blame the one who put
them through all of the drama their whole life.
This is why I am single.
In fact, I have extended these thoughts to reach not only my
relationships, but with everyone I choose to spend my time with. If ANYONE
cannot respect me and love me the way I feel I deserve to be respected and
loved, they are cut out of my life. This goes for men, family, friends, even my
children.
This might sound selfish, but actually, I would be being
more selfish if I allowed people to run me down. I can’t be the best woman,
mother, friend, daughter, etc. That I can be if I am wasting my time and energy
on things that make me miserable. Also, sometimes you have to cut people off so
that they can find their own way in life.
If you constantly give and give and give to someone, how will they learn
to get it on their own if you aren’t around?
This is why I think Being selfish can sometimes be the most
Unselfish thing that you can do.
If you have to keep questioning the loyalty of anyone else,
let them go. Life is too short. If they really do love you, then they will get
their stuff together and come back for you. However, if they have no consequences
to their actions, why should they respect you? Why would anyone do the right
thing if they know that they can do the wrong thing and not lose anything? What
if our jail system was like that? What if bank robbers, rapists, and murderers
could do all of these things and go to jail, then kiss the Judge’s ass for a
day or two and promise to be good from now on, then be set free to do it all
over again? They would never become
better people, they would only become worse.
We need to have this same attitude with EVERYONE we deal
with in life. Rewarding someone’s disrespectful behavior and allowing them to
walk all over you isn’t helping anyone. It makes you miserable, THEY never
learn a lesson, and on top of that, everyone else surrounding you suffers
indirectly.
The moral of this post is to BE SELFISH for once.
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